Something in her voice

I'm still at work.  Previews... 

Just called home to check how dinner and bedtime were going.  Izz had just come out of the bath and was sitting on the potty.  Daniel put her on the phone and there was something in her voice that sounded tentative.  I asked him if he heard it too -- "yeah", he said, "she was a little cranky tonight."  I wondered if it was because I've had to work the last two nights... and he said, "I think she senses that big changes are coming."

Could that be? Next Tuesday she starts pre-school.  We've gone twice in the last two weeks.  Both times she's warmed up to it, but, initially she was very very shy.   I wonder if she senses that she is going to leave the only day care she has ever known and try something new.  

Sometimes I really wonder what's inside my little toddler's head.  I want to know so I can wrap my arms around her and reassure her that everything is going to be ok. 

Living so far away ...

I'm sitting at the Jet Blue terminal having breakfast. I can't believe what a luxury this is. I gave myself plenty of time to get here and catch my flight back to San Diego - and it took less than half an hour to get here (last time I made this trip, it took an hour and a half). So, I have two hours to kill. First I went to Borders (so sad they are going out of business) then I came here to the sit down restaurant and got myself a proper breakfast. I can't remember the last time I actually sat down to eat a real meal at an airport. I'm always turned off by the high prices.. but, today I was given the luxury of more time, and therefore, I'm taking the luxury of a lovely breakfast and some time to type here.

As I was sitting eating my food and sipping my coffee... my back twinged a bit and memories of the beginning of the week came flooding back. The beginning of a painful week.

A week ago Saturday I was helping Izz out of her car seat and I felt a sharp pain in my lower back. It hurt a bit, but then calmed down for a while. By the evening though, it was starting to get worse and worse - no combination of stretching, yoga, tylenol helped it. By the next day I could barely walk. We had a planned a lazy day at home with some house cleaning thrown in (oh goodness, we needed it), and I couldn't pick up anything or even move much at all (even sitting hurt). I took enough pain medication to make it to the dress rehearsal or our current show - but, didn't make it through the first act. I was in so much pain, that Linda and Gabe had to get my car and walk me to it. They offered to drive me home - but, I waved them off. As I neared our house, I realized that I would need to call Daniel to come get me and help me out of the car.. I was in that much pain.

I made it inside the house and just lay down on the floor. We called the nurse hotline in an effort for them to schedule me an appointment with my doctor first thing the next morning. Instead they told me to go to the emergency room.... and that's when I realized -- We Can't!

I never really considered going... I was in pain - but, the idea of sitting in an emergency room for hours when I could barely move off the ground seemed like too much pain to exert on me just then. But, we also couldn't go because Daniel would have to take me, and Izz was upstairs sleeping. Which meant that we would have to wake her and then drag her with us to the emergency room where she would be up and cranky for hours on end. The other possibility was calling a friend - but, who do you know well enough in a town where you are just making friends to come and sit with your kid at 1am??

I really missed having family close by right then. When you are incapacitated and you just need your Mom (or your husband could really use his Mom), it really hits you smack in the face how far away you are from family.

When Laura (sister in law) needs family close by -- they drive over from Brooklyn. Her parents help babysit and can be there in an emergency. When my brother needs to drop of the kids, he can with my parents. And not only the actual physical help that family close by lends you, but the emotional reassurance that they are close by IF you were to need them.

In NYC I had lived there long enough to form relationships with friends that were like family bonds. When I was running a 104 fever in the middle of the night - my friend Courtney came down from Harlem (I was living in Hells Kitchen) to accompany me to the emergency room. When we got there, she was my advocate, since I was so sick, I wasn't making my sense. That's Family!

So, as I sit here heading "home" to San Diego, I can't help but wonder how much of a "home" it is when you feel you don't really have a safety net of family there to support you if you really need it.

I think if we are going to call San Diego our base for the next few years -- some work needs to be put into cultivating some friends that we can really count on.. friends that can also count on us. Because in the end, home isn't really home unless you feel totally comfortable there.

P.S. Back is much better. PT helped quite a bit.. and even though it still hurts -- I can move. hallelujah!

Tech is not conducive for parenting

My job involves Tech... otherwise known as technical rehearsals. This is when all the elements of the show come together; lights, costumes, sound, the sets, the musicians and the actors on stage.

Tech usually starts at noon and ends between 10pm and midnight - depending on the span of that days rehearsal.

I really need to be here for some of the time, to make sure everything is going ok. Most of the time, I need to stick around until the note session at the end of the night.

In my professional life, I've always loved tech. It thrills me to see everything coming together. It's a stressful time, but, also kind of magical.

The problem now is that a) I'm a parent now, with a daughter that wakes up around 7am. b) I'm not part of the creative teams here...

So -- I miss my daugther, and in the morning when she wakes up (and me) .. i'm a little groggy and not the greatest person to play games or really enjoy her. Also, because I'm not on the creative team.. I really miss directing while I'm here. I feel like something has been cut away from me and I just have an empty space. I love producing.. usually.. but, during tech, I miss that excitement you get when you see what you've worked on so hard and have always had in your head up on stage.

I wish I could do both - or to be more blunt, all three: be an involved parent, a director and a producer. But, how do you juggle all three? Even if I could direct, I'm not sure I could really do all three -- I don't think there are enough hours. It's that balance thing again... I feel like it's not actually achievable.

Man -- this is really making me not like tech at all.

Her Mother's Daughter...

It's so odd the things that you discover about your child -- things that you KNOW are nature and not nurture.

For example - Izz is kind of a dare devil. She likes to climb up, fly in her Daddy's arms, and ride rides (no matter how fast, circular, or bumpy).  We first got a glimpse of this when I took her on the kiddie roller coaster at the county fair last year ... and this past weekend we got a chance to go to Sea World (for free, thank goodness) and she had a field day on the Sesame Street Place rides.   Daniel couldn't get on them (he had a bad tea-cup experience as a child.. and can't stand those rides), so, I went on with her.  I'm the perfect choice since I love a good rollercoaster.. but, three in a row was even too much for me.  "More" is all Izz said.   Yup, we went home from the hospital with the right kid. 
On the way home - her Daddy gave her a personal ride... she squeeled all the way to the car.

Daddy's rides are always the best

You can't always have your way!


By the title -- I actually mean myself.

When Izz was a baby, we would just plop her into the carseat and go on our way. She was totally portable. When she got older, we were able to divert her attention and still be on our way. But, now that she's a full fledged 2 year old - she has opinions (and now that she can talk pretty well - she can express those opinions pretty loudly).. and often they don't match ours. Of course, we are the parents.. so, if it's important -- we do get our way. But, sometimes (like today) - we should possibly listen to her.

Today we went to swimming class, and then a few hours at the zoo. She started her nap in the car, and then we transferred to the crib. When she woke up, I thought, "cool! She has woken up in time for us to go to the theatre and participate in the tech dinner." But, she woke up grumpy, because her nap was too short. She didn't want to get dressed, put on shoes, walk out the house. We finally got her going - but, truly.. we should have just stayed at home and let her chill and eaten dinner in a more quiet environment. It was already a big day for her.

When we got to the dinner, she was really cross. She didn't want us to eat, she didn't want to eat - and we really only got her to sit when we offered her cheesecake (which we called Ice Cream - cause she doesn't know what cheesecake is - and really.. what's the difference?). We also (in our infinite wisdom) took the dog with us.. so, you can imagine how enjoyable this dinner was. After about 45 minutes, she became herself and we were back on track. BUT - did we really need to be there? Nope. Did we put our own wants in front of her needs. Yes.

I realize we'll be learning this lesson over and over as she gets older.

When you are a parent - You can't always have your way!

This picture is old - she's only 12 months old here -
but, it's the only I have of her crying.  After one crying picture,
you never take another!



Marriage - here and there.

Congratulations New York... you've just voted to let human beings marry each other.

Truly, I'm thrilled it passed in New York. But, I can't help but be a little peeved at the United States as a whole. Why is it up to the more liberal states to pass this law when it really should be a federal law!

Why are Daniel and I allowed to get married, when Bea and Gretchen cannot? They have a beautiful little toddler like we do-- and they have been together for 10 years longer than we have. Yet, these two educated, consenting adults until today were not allowed to get married.

Why is marriage so important? Well.. com'on.. you know all the reasons: There's the whole legal thing, the whole property right thing, the rights issues, the parenting issues.. etc etc etc.. You all know the drill.

But, for me - it goes deeper. It's a human right. Human beings should be allowed to marry another consenting adult human being. No matter what sex.

I thought we were over that whole - one person is allowed more human rights than another crap.

And to that - I say: Congratulations New York! Now... let's get the Supreme Court and the White House on board.

FIRST BLOOD: The One Year Old Check Up....

Terrified about getting through this....But something tells me this blood drawing is going to be harder on us than on them.....they will be scared and it will sting for a second, but we will be right there to hold them and tell them we love them and that it's ok, and it will be over in a second. And then we can scoop them up after, hold them, dry their tears, and make it all ok again -- that's our job.

BUT we will have to try and hold back our urge to smack the nurse's hand away and not say -- "GET away from my baby!!!!!" It is SO hard to watch them in pain, it's insane. When Molly bumps her head and she looks at me like "What just happened to me? And why didn't you stop it??" -- uch it kills me inside a little. But they recover SO quickly it's a blessing. As for us, we might need a little more comforting till we feel better.

We are parents of 1 year olds now - we can take it!!!!